New Year's Reso-Who-Cares

It is New Year's Eve and everyone is talking about their New Year's Resolutions.  This year, I'm not making any.  This year is going to be whatever I make of it.  Since I can remember, I've been a writer.  I've always kept a journal.  Even Oprah recommends it.  Something about it being a healthy outlet and what not.  A while back, the journal that I had been keeping was lost.  Honestly, it is probably in the disaster that I call my car, but I can't seem to find it within myself to clean it out and Husband is not volunteering again.  He said it is because five minutes after he cleans it, it is covered in dog hair and my junk again.  Which is true, but still.  It would be nice of him to offer.  Besides, it isn't Big Dog's fault she is all white and a winter weather dog and we live in Texas so she sheds a small dog's worth of fur everyday.  I digress.  The ADD Train got way off track.  Anyone who knows me isn't surprised.  Anyway.  I lost my journal.  A few weeks back, on a trek to Target during my lunch hour, I found a perfect journal and started anew.  In this journal, I found myself.  That is all.  I found myself.  Or I'm finding myself.  I just turned 31 and I haven't accomplished what I want to by this time.  Marriage has made me forget what is important to me.  Again.  After Ex, I swore this wouldn't happen and it did.  A few weeks in the journal has made me realize that 2013 is about me.  This year will be a re-commitment to me, accomplishing my goals and fulfilling my dreams.  

Not only do I have ADD, but how did my whole dream get derailed?  I could make all the excuses in the world.  I lost my job.  I had to find a new job.  My new job has more liberties and freedoms than my last jobs.  There is always food in the office.  Husband loves my body just the way it is.  Mom thinks I'm the most beautiful, talented being on the planet.  I mean, the list goes on.  It is exhausting.  Making excuses and explaining myself to people is old.  Committing over and over and over again is unacceptable.  The definition of insanity is engaging in the same action and expecting a different outcome.  I may be a little crazy, but I'm not insane.  And I'm, definitely, not an idiot.  Sometimes a little slow, but not mentally defective.  My biggest problem is me.  I have to own my behavior and say 'no' more.  Husband may like my body, but I don't.  I don't like what I see in the mirror and I want to.  No more touching thighs.  No more dimples in my derriere.  No more jiggly junk.  

In my research today, I was able to find a competition in my area in August.  The set in stone date is August 10, 2013.  All I need to do is email the people responsible to get some details on what I need to do to enter.  This gives me a little over 7 months to lose about 50 pounds.  My to-do list includes: finding out the competition requirements, weighing myself, planning my weekly workouts, planning my weekly menus, taking before pictures, taking my current measurements, and finding an affordable competition suit.  

The truth behind it all is that I'm terrified.  As many brave things that I've done in life, like quitting my job and moving 1100 miles away from everyone and everything that I have ever known and loved, this is the one thing that scares me.  Losing weight and finding myself, liking myself, loving myself.  Changing who I have always been intimidates me.  Mostly because I don't want to fail and I know that I'm already good at being fat.  

Some things for me to remember:

1) No one is going to judge me more harshly than I judge myself.
2) Losing 50 pounds could never be a bad thing when I'm spilling out over my size 12 jeans.
3) Husband, Mom, Big Dog, Small Dog and Itty Bitty are going to love me and support me no matter what.
4) Doing something is better than doing nothing.

Until next time!  Happy, healthy New Year!

Dani Y

Dealing with Demons

We are our own worst enemies.  And it is our own fault.  We cannot blame anyone for the decisions we make, good or bad.  I am specifically referencing bad.  For example, it was not The Man's fault that I ate 12 oreo cookies, a bag of cheddar jalapeno cheetos, a bag of mint M&Ms, and mozzarella cheese bites Saturday night.  Nor was it Mom's fault that I chose to eat three pieces of fried catfish and two pieces of lemon cake at Sunday dinner.  Even though I knew I shouldn't have eaten any of that, even though I knew better, I did it anyway.  And no one made me.  I chose to do it all on my own.  Just because it was all there did not mean that I had to eat it.  Husband and Mom did not convince me or entice me with the junk.  There were more healthful options, like apples and bananas, around.  I just didn't choose them.  And it was my own fault.  I made those decisions and can blame no one.


Also, as our own worst enemies, we judge ourselves more harshly and are more negative to ourselves than anyone else, encouraging the cycle of bad behavior.  Comfort food.  Why do we eat it?  Because it makes us feel good when we feel bad.  And when we feel bad about eating that one feel good food, we seek out another.  And we beat ourselves up again and the cycle continues.  


Of all people, I am guilty.  I accept it and am ready to break the cycle of bad behavior and I'm ready to like myself and be nice enough to me to make good decisions and to improve.  To step on the stage, I will have to have a certain level of confidence and I will have to forgive myself to get past the cycle.  Part of my journey will be to deal with my demons, accept and forgive myself.  Husband and Mom support me in all that I do and all they want is for me to be happy and healthy.  After sitting here, considering it, finding my voice, I think that it is all encompassing and will be from the inside out.


Recently, Husband and I started going to church.  It has been good for us both.  I have always been spiritual, but not always very good at it.  A couple of years ago, a friend decided to observe a religious fast and, in support of her and a desire to be closer to God, I decided to fast with her.  It was so cleansing and clarifying for me.  Lent starts today and I decided that it would be the perfect time to recommit myself.  I will pray and search and heal, along with bettering myself and cleansing myself of the garbage that I shouldn't put it my body anyway.  To be honest, it is easier for me to do it for God than it will be to do it for myself.  It is easier for me to commit myself to something higher than it is for me to commit myself for myself.  As silly as it seems, I cling to my faith and the 47 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter will help me to become more dedicated to my cause.  Something has led me to this lofty goal and I will take my prayer fast to commit myself and begin on my journey.  There is a strength and focus that 47 days of fasting and praying will help in getting me that much closer to the stage and, not only fitting into, but, also, looking amazing in the sparkly bikini.


As I say that it is our own fault, the decisions we make, others do influence us.  This morning, before going to Mass, getting ready and having breakfast, I decided to have some of last nights delicious baked alfredo leftovers.  It was so amazing.  The noodles were cooked just right.  The sauce was delicious and creamy.  The shrimp were seasoned to perfection.  And I was going to have some before taking my ash.  Husband had other ideas.  He told me that I could not eat it.  I informed him that Lent had not, officially, started for me because I had not gotten my ash by that point.  He told me that it is the day and that is all that mattered.  Still unconvinced, I got a mouthful of delicious leftovers on my fork and was ready to lift it to my lips and he said to me, "Go ahead and eat it.  You're the only one who has to deal with those demons.  It is not going to get you any closer to where you want to be."  And he was right.  I was influenced.  Instead of eating the delicious leftovers, I sauteed some spinach and ate the leaves with a whole egg and four egg whites and one fourth of an avocado sliced up instead.  It was pretty tasty.  Not baked alfredo with shrimp and cheese tasty.  A healthier option, though.


Mom and Husband are both interested in what I will eat during the Lenten season.  I will eat anything unprocessed, except for whey protein and my preworkout supplements.  I will not eat any dairy, or bread, or pasta, or baked goods, or sugar and as little salt as possible.  This is going to be a really tough time for me.  


It's time to get back to the gym, too.  Along with the commitment to fasting (which is actually a lifestyle change), I am committing to the gym, at least, four days per week to start out.  The goal is to move my way up to six days per week, consistently.  Z set my goal to burn 550 calories per day and to consume 1300 calories per day.  I want to eat 1300-1400 calories per day and to burn, at least, 700 calories per day.  I like those goals.  


So far so good, except for the gym.  Today is only day one of Lent.  Let's see what the next days and weeks will bring.  SPARKLY BIKINI, HERE I COME!  


Dani Y


P.S. As more incentive, Husband said that he will quit smoking as soon as I step on stage.  I love that!  Thin and fit and a healthy husband to boot!  Life is good!

My Journey's First Step

Okay.  I decided.  I'm starting this blog tonight.  Doing anything involves two parts: to make up your mind to do something and to, then, do it.  I've already made up my mind.  And I am, now, doing it.  


Before I, actually, begin, allow me to introduce myself.  I am Dani Y.  I am a newly married, newly 30 year old woman.   I am 5 feet 1.5 inches tall, 5 feet 2 inches on a good day.  My husband and I live in Texas with our three dogs: Sadie, Lucie and Louis.  I moved here almost 4 years ago and lost everything, only to find myself and my way.  Somewhere in my later 20s I came up with a bucket list of what I wanted to do with myself.  Things on that list include getting myself together financially and spiritually, getting my Pharm D, and getting fit and healthy.  My fit and healthy goal evolved into an extreme monster of becoming a figure competitor.  


I met a woman in the gym one Saturday, Deb Z.  Z had the most perfect butt of anyone I had ever seen my entire life.  Being unafraid to talk to almost anyone, I approached her and gave her kudos for the superb asset.  In asking for her secrets and best practices, I learned that she is a personal trainer and in that moment she became my personal trainer.  I haven't seen Z in a couple of months, trying to take care of a few finances, but I will be back to her soon enough.  We still talk several times a week and I have been way off course.  Two days ago, Z gave me a time limit and that's when I decided I had to begin my blog.  This is my journey.  I'm not sure if anyone, other than those closest to me and Z, will follow along on my journey, but this is for me.  Not anyone else.  That's what Louise said.  She's pretty smart about those things.  She's the logical one. The others involved will experience this with me and won't have to read the blog.  They will walk along side me.  The Man, a.k.a. Husband, is the only one, aside from me, who will really have to suffer.  From what I understand, carb cutting and weight cutting and supplementing causes some extreme emotions.  I am told that I will be cranky and sex may suffer.  Well.  I decided to do it and it is something that I really want to do.


I've been heavy my entire life.  I have been smaller than I am now, but I have never been in super great shape.  That's what I want now.  I want to be in super great shape and have everything that comes with it, including a flat stomach, shapely thighs, firm butt, toned arms and tapered back.  That is my dream.  Along with, of course, a few other things on a list that I created for myself 3 years ago.  


This will be my journey.  It will tell my story.  These will be my triumphs and tribulations.  There will be road blocks and obstacles.  And I will tell it here.  I'm doing this for me.  I'm chronicling my road from fat to fit and from street to stage.  This is my battle.  This will be my struggle.  I have been fat my whole adult life.  My time is now and competing in a physique and figure competition will be something new and outside of my comfort zone.  I have dreams of being on a stage in a sparkly bikini.  What I know about myself is that I have to take this one day at a time.


You may ask me the same questions that other people ask me.  Why?  Why do I want to get fit?  Why do I want to lose weight?  Why do I want to do it?  And why is my goal so lofty?  Well, to be healthy, of course.  There are other reasons.  Vanity.  I, finally, landed the man of my dreams and I always want him to be attracted to me.  And to be better than those that shall remain nameless.  I want to and I'm going to.  And this is my journey.


This will, more than likely, be my longest post.  It is my first.  In my next post, I will have my weight and measurements.  Mom will take those for me and I will post them on Sunday.  Photos will follow as soon as I get them.  And the reason that I start now, besides the fact that Z gave me a 7 month deadline and the goal of losing 8 pounds a month, is that... I HAD TO PUT ON MY FAT PANTS!  It is time to get started.  My journey is starting and this is my first step.  OUT OF MY FAT PANTS AND INTO A SPARKLY BIKINI!


Dani Y


P.S. This is my first post.  I have some work to do.