It is New Year's Eve and everyone is talking about their New Year's Resolutions. This year, I'm not making any. This year is going to be whatever I make of it. Since I can remember, I've been a writer. I've always kept a journal. Even Oprah recommends it. Something about it being a healthy outlet and what not. A while back, the journal that I had been keeping was lost. Honestly, it is probably in the disaster that I call my car, but I can't seem to find it within myself to clean it out and Husband is not volunteering again. He said it is because five minutes after he cleans it, it is covered in dog hair and my junk again. Which is true, but still. It would be nice of him to offer. Besides, it isn't Big Dog's fault she is all white and a winter weather dog and we live in Texas so she sheds a small dog's worth of fur everyday. I digress. The ADD Train got way off track. Anyone who knows me isn't surprised. Anyway. I lost my journal. A few weeks back, on a trek to Target during my lunch hour, I found a perfect journal and started anew. In this journal, I found myself. That is all. I found myself. Or I'm finding myself. I just turned 31 and I haven't accomplished what I want to by this time. Marriage has made me forget what is important to me. Again. After Ex, I swore this wouldn't happen and it did. A few weeks in the journal has made me realize that 2013 is about me. This year will be a re-commitment to me, accomplishing my goals and fulfilling my dreams.
Not only do I have ADD, but how did my whole dream get derailed? I could make all the excuses in the world. I lost my job. I had to find a new job. My new job has more liberties and freedoms than my last jobs. There is always food in the office. Husband loves my body just the way it is. Mom thinks I'm the most beautiful, talented being on the planet. I mean, the list goes on. It is exhausting. Making excuses and explaining myself to people is old. Committing over and over and over again is unacceptable. The definition of insanity is engaging in the same action and expecting a different outcome. I may be a little crazy, but I'm not insane. And I'm, definitely, not an idiot. Sometimes a little slow, but not mentally defective. My biggest problem is me. I have to own my behavior and say 'no' more. Husband may like my body, but I don't. I don't like what I see in the mirror and I want to. No more touching thighs. No more dimples in my derriere. No more jiggly junk.
In my research today, I was able to find a competition in my area in August. The set in stone date is August 10, 2013. All I need to do is email the people responsible to get some details on what I need to do to enter. This gives me a little over 7 months to lose about 50 pounds. My to-do list includes: finding out the competition requirements, weighing myself, planning my weekly workouts, planning my weekly menus, taking before pictures, taking my current measurements, and finding an affordable competition suit.
The truth behind it all is that I'm terrified. As many brave things that I've done in life, like quitting my job and moving 1100 miles away from everyone and everything that I have ever known and loved, this is the one thing that scares me. Losing weight and finding myself, liking myself, loving myself. Changing who I have always been intimidates me. Mostly because I don't want to fail and I know that I'm already good at being fat.
Some things for me to remember:
1) No one is going to judge me more harshly than I judge myself.
2) Losing 50 pounds could never be a bad thing when I'm spilling out over my size 12 jeans.
3) Husband, Mom, Big Dog, Small Dog and Itty Bitty are going to love me and support me no matter what.
4) Doing something is better than doing nothing.
Until next time! Happy, healthy New Year!
Dani Y
