Dealing with Demons

We are our own worst enemies.  And it is our own fault.  We cannot blame anyone for the decisions we make, good or bad.  I am specifically referencing bad.  For example, it was not The Man's fault that I ate 12 oreo cookies, a bag of cheddar jalapeno cheetos, a bag of mint M&Ms, and mozzarella cheese bites Saturday night.  Nor was it Mom's fault that I chose to eat three pieces of fried catfish and two pieces of lemon cake at Sunday dinner.  Even though I knew I shouldn't have eaten any of that, even though I knew better, I did it anyway.  And no one made me.  I chose to do it all on my own.  Just because it was all there did not mean that I had to eat it.  Husband and Mom did not convince me or entice me with the junk.  There were more healthful options, like apples and bananas, around.  I just didn't choose them.  And it was my own fault.  I made those decisions and can blame no one.


Also, as our own worst enemies, we judge ourselves more harshly and are more negative to ourselves than anyone else, encouraging the cycle of bad behavior.  Comfort food.  Why do we eat it?  Because it makes us feel good when we feel bad.  And when we feel bad about eating that one feel good food, we seek out another.  And we beat ourselves up again and the cycle continues.  


Of all people, I am guilty.  I accept it and am ready to break the cycle of bad behavior and I'm ready to like myself and be nice enough to me to make good decisions and to improve.  To step on the stage, I will have to have a certain level of confidence and I will have to forgive myself to get past the cycle.  Part of my journey will be to deal with my demons, accept and forgive myself.  Husband and Mom support me in all that I do and all they want is for me to be happy and healthy.  After sitting here, considering it, finding my voice, I think that it is all encompassing and will be from the inside out.


Recently, Husband and I started going to church.  It has been good for us both.  I have always been spiritual, but not always very good at it.  A couple of years ago, a friend decided to observe a religious fast and, in support of her and a desire to be closer to God, I decided to fast with her.  It was so cleansing and clarifying for me.  Lent starts today and I decided that it would be the perfect time to recommit myself.  I will pray and search and heal, along with bettering myself and cleansing myself of the garbage that I shouldn't put it my body anyway.  To be honest, it is easier for me to do it for God than it will be to do it for myself.  It is easier for me to commit myself to something higher than it is for me to commit myself for myself.  As silly as it seems, I cling to my faith and the 47 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter will help me to become more dedicated to my cause.  Something has led me to this lofty goal and I will take my prayer fast to commit myself and begin on my journey.  There is a strength and focus that 47 days of fasting and praying will help in getting me that much closer to the stage and, not only fitting into, but, also, looking amazing in the sparkly bikini.


As I say that it is our own fault, the decisions we make, others do influence us.  This morning, before going to Mass, getting ready and having breakfast, I decided to have some of last nights delicious baked alfredo leftovers.  It was so amazing.  The noodles were cooked just right.  The sauce was delicious and creamy.  The shrimp were seasoned to perfection.  And I was going to have some before taking my ash.  Husband had other ideas.  He told me that I could not eat it.  I informed him that Lent had not, officially, started for me because I had not gotten my ash by that point.  He told me that it is the day and that is all that mattered.  Still unconvinced, I got a mouthful of delicious leftovers on my fork and was ready to lift it to my lips and he said to me, "Go ahead and eat it.  You're the only one who has to deal with those demons.  It is not going to get you any closer to where you want to be."  And he was right.  I was influenced.  Instead of eating the delicious leftovers, I sauteed some spinach and ate the leaves with a whole egg and four egg whites and one fourth of an avocado sliced up instead.  It was pretty tasty.  Not baked alfredo with shrimp and cheese tasty.  A healthier option, though.


Mom and Husband are both interested in what I will eat during the Lenten season.  I will eat anything unprocessed, except for whey protein and my preworkout supplements.  I will not eat any dairy, or bread, or pasta, or baked goods, or sugar and as little salt as possible.  This is going to be a really tough time for me.  


It's time to get back to the gym, too.  Along with the commitment to fasting (which is actually a lifestyle change), I am committing to the gym, at least, four days per week to start out.  The goal is to move my way up to six days per week, consistently.  Z set my goal to burn 550 calories per day and to consume 1300 calories per day.  I want to eat 1300-1400 calories per day and to burn, at least, 700 calories per day.  I like those goals.  


So far so good, except for the gym.  Today is only day one of Lent.  Let's see what the next days and weeks will bring.  SPARKLY BIKINI, HERE I COME!  


Dani Y


P.S. As more incentive, Husband said that he will quit smoking as soon as I step on stage.  I love that!  Thin and fit and a healthy husband to boot!  Life is good!